Malice in Tinderland -Part 1

After dating (Read:’Duh’ting) a douchebag for four years,I got dumped and swore to celibacy for almost two years. I was so used to seeing all my friends canoodling with their partners (sometimes other’s partners too) all the time, but weirdly these scenes would never affect me.Instead I had the time of my life seeing eerie shadows of couples lurking near washrooms and making out on Saturday night parties. Gargantuan efforts to hook me up with random Toms, D**ks and Harries went amiss. Finally the time came when everybody concluded that the estrogen in my system was no longer working. I was mildly convinced at this statement and decided to test myself with Jamie Dornan’s CK campaign …and thank God, I was still doable. As all my past relationships have truly and earnestly earned the distinction of being complete catastrophes, this time around, I did not want to waste time in a serious relationship. So i went ‘Knock knock’ at the ‘Google of the despo world’-Tinder. On the first day, I went bonkers swiping dorks to the right and hunks to the left. Then with time, I became adept at swiping and started swiping at all places humanly possible- In the office boardroom, in the middle of my meetings, in the washrooms and so on.Finally, after a week , I was texting seven different guys all at the same time. Woah! I felt like a teenager all over again. I cursed  my douchebag-ex because of who I missed out on all this fun for all these years. I really got along well with this one guy from IIM. He was cute, funny and intelligent. Of course, I am a sapiosexual too – the benchmark criteria for being on tinder. If you have been tindering around for a while , you would have stumped across : 27, male, sapiosexual /25,male, I dont even know who a sapiosexual is but I’m still a sapiosexual / 19, ‘man-in-the-making’ kid, saposexual (trust me, sap-o-sexual…L-O-L)…So after going through all these ‘gruelling and harrowing to the mind and eye’ profiles, I came across this IIM-Aian , a true to his words ‘sapiosexual’. We had a good time texting and having long intellectual (sorry, the South Indian in me simply  refuses to die) conversations. He asked me out after three days of relentless ‘coming out in the middle of a bath to check for his messages’-texting and chatting, and I was super thrilled. So we had planned to meet at a high-end drink and dine place at Indiranagar (This story is based out of Bangalore , just FYI) on Friday. Meanwhile, it was Wednesday already and I was spending an uneventful (Read: as usual) day at office and opened Tinder. Some kid had ‘Superliked’ me. The first picture was rather hazy and poorly lit and all that I could make out was ‘a kid who badly wanted to hook up without getting caught’. I swiped to the second picture…OMG, not a kid after all. Great abs, great body and a hunk-in-the-making. I swiped to the third picture…OMG, amazing bike too. My ‘Guy’dar  sensed excitement and I began reading the description: Loves nose rings (Now I understand the superliking), would take you out for dinner even if you don’t have one. P.S: My bike is not in India . (Phew) . I have never dated guys below my age and this guy was four years younger to me. So, I decided to step in and test waters as a pedophile.I swiped right hurriedly and took off for a customary ‘ We do nothing but drink chai in a meeting’ meeting with my boss. In the middle of my chai, my phone shuddered. I slyly opened Tinder. It said: ‘Hi di'(Di is a sexist tamil equivalent of ‘yaar’ , just so you know)…F***k , how did he know I was Tamil?? Little did I know that ‘Hi’ was gonna change my life forever….


6 thoughts on “Malice in Tinderland -Part 1

  1. Nice to know the ‘Person being swipped right’ side of Tinder. Brilliantly written in terms of capturing the thoughts that hit us at every stop while travelling down the road in tinderland! Looking forward to reading more of these!

    Liked by 1 person

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